Lily‚Äôs birth story: September 20th, 2018.

Hi friends, how are you?

So if you have been following along with me for a while now, you probably know that I posted a YouTube video on Lily’s birth and my labour story a while back. but I thought it would be really beneficial for me to write it down in words so I can look back and read over it. I feel like as much as a sit down talking YouTube video is good; It can put you a tad on the spot. For me, writing in actual words has always given me a greater sense of clarity.

So I guess I’ll jump in.

To start; I’m going to say this: even though I am young and my circumstances aren’t what others may perceive as ideal, Lily was in no way a mistake. I am an educated adult woman and I understand the consequences of having sex without birth-control. I have always always always wanted to be a mom, and when I found out I was expecting I didn’t feel hindered, I felt empowered. I was scared of course, but I knew that this was going to be the most beautiful thing that has ever ever happened to me. There were times throughout my pregnancy where I had self-doubt in my ability, but it was never about being a mother: it was about staying true to myself.

I found out I was pregnant at three weeks. I’m very in tune with my body and one day I was at work and I decided to stop at the gas station on my lunch break and pick up a pregnancy test. My period had not even been late yet, The reason I knew I was pregnant was because I was so out of breath going up and down the stairs at work, and my finger nails were growing like crazy.

I peed on the test at work, and I remember sitting on the stairs looking down and seeing the faintest second pink line. It was faint enough that when I sent a picture to Sam, he thought it was a negative. I knew it wasn’t. I always pee like a crazy amount while not pregnant – so when I got home I took about five more tests – i peed so much that two of them came up negative because they didn’t have enough hormone concentrated in the urine anymore to even detect it. We went to the walk in clinic the following day , did a urine test and it came up negative as well. Sam was sure it was a mistake but I was convinced that I was pregnant. I got the order for blood work and went to the clinic. I remember texting my dad from the clinic telling him I was pregnant but that’s a whole other story….

Once we got the blood work back it was confirmed a little bean was on the way.

My whole life I have felt a little bit empty inside and I never understood why. That feeling went away the instant I found out I was carrying lily. Almost as if my family wasn’t complete until then. Like the past 21 years had been spent with me missing a piece and life decided to finally fill it.

I had one of the hardest pregnancies. Worse than I could have imagined. I Suffered with severe HG and for those of you who know what that is yikes right? For those of you who don’t let’s just say this; I pretty much lived in the hospital,had to take sick leave from work, and my middle name was bedrest.

I carried rounder anyone else I have ever seen. This Isn’t an exaggeration; looked like I swallowed a bowling ball.

Picture for reference:

Despite being five feet tall and 100 pounds, I managed to grow a big Buddha belly!

Towards the end of my pregnancy I was ready to have this baby OUT. It was so hot last summer and I was a literal watermelon. I can’t tell you how many times I got asked if I was having multiples… at one point by OB sent me for an extra ultrasound just to make sure I wasn’t because I was carrying 8 weeks AHEAD of schedule …

Every body is different, mamas….

I always thought I would be shit scared of birth, but once I got there I was just ready. Something so instinctual just kicks in. Your body knows what to do and you just have to allow your mind to follow.

I spent hours envisioning what my story would be, but I now realize you can’t plan out these things at all. You don’t need to. You’ve been built for this your whole life.

Because of my HG, I had multiple scares for pre term labour, and got admitted to the hospital maaannny times. When I finally reached full term, I felt SO relieved. I knew she was ready to meet me, and I was sure has hell ready to meet her!

When I got checked on the Tuesday of my 38 week appointment, I was already fully enfaced and 2cm dilated. I had been having cramps and feeling like crap so this made me super happy.

I knew the pain was progressive! It had meaning. My body wasn’t just being a lil biaatchh, but it was really truly working with me to get me my baby!

It made me feel really content. I went home and spent the next two days drinking my read leaf tea and bouncing on my exercise ball.

Fast forward to Thursday night: I felt exhausted all day. I was so tired I knew. Contractions for me in early labor were the exact same as period cramps ( I get bad periods ouch). It was uncomfortable but not unbearable. I remember trying to time them on an app but it was too iffy and I got annoyed and gave up. I read a book, I ate some fruit, and I *attempted* to go to bed.

I’ve never been a good sleeper, but yikes this night was rough. I remember laying there trying to embrace my contractions as they happened, but it’s in our nature to curl from pain. I remember telling myself; tonight’s the night lily: we CAN do this. You need to let mommy get some rest before we start.

I literally said that, not figuratively.

I always talked to lily in my belly. She’s been a mommas girl from the very beginning; always kicking me in the ribs when I call ūüėČ.

I told her out loud I needed to rest; and for some odd miracle: SHE LISTENED.

She selttled into her place deep down in my pubic bone; and this mama slept till 4am. I remember waking up twice with some bad pains, but I was so exhausted I let them come and go and just tried to fall back asleep.

When I woke up at four; I knew knew it was time. I remember going pee, and there was blood.

I know this is common for some woman throughout the course of their pregnancy; but not me. I hadn’t spotted once. I knew it was lily telling me she was ready to get out!

Sam drove me to the hospital, and we checked in right after 5.

When the OB checked my cervix, I was fully enfaced and dilated to a 5. The pain was starting to become intense. I wanted to hold off on an epidural, so I opted for laughing gas. I did not enjoy. It made me feel high not pain free. I continued through contractions in the hospital bed, walking around the room, and waiting to be checked again.

When the OB came back in an re assessed me, I was in a lot of pain. I was exhausted. He recommended I get a light doses epidural, and I agreed on the basis that I have a very high drug tolerance and wasn’t scared to be numb. At this point my cervix was dilated to just over a 7, and they administered the epidural.

I was numb for a bit, but within 20 minutes I could feel myself again. The epidural allowed me to finish dilating without over working myself, but by the time it was pushing time, I could feel all my contractions.

I am super grateful to have been able to guide myself through labour. My OB tried to tell me when to push and I told her, ” I got this, we know what we’re doing” and by we, I mean lily and I.

Lily lead the way and I followed. My internal instinct took over as my legs were pulled tucked up and in full birthing mode.

Primary care literally left the room in between my pushes because it was going so smoothly. Within two pushes I got her head out, and I remember when sam told me he could see her hair, I got annoyed because I thought he was bullshitting me!

“You’re not just saying that!! She’s comming?!”

That gave me all the endorphins I needed. Screw drugs. There’s NO better high than taking control over your body and embracing this process.

I could feel her coming out, but not in a painful way, in a way that was like “GET THE F OUT OF ME YOU’RE TOO BIG OUCH”

All of a sudden, this little five pound baby was put on my chest.

I remember feeling like we had did it. We worked together, me and my daughter, to get here. This very moment. Like everything I’ve ever done finally made sense.

There is no greater clarity than seeing yourself in someone else’s eyes.

The birth had gone so well. I had two internal tears that healed within a few weeks, and I had never felt more empowered with myself

I have to be honest with you guys, I didn’t connect with lily the way I expected to right off the bat. I was overwhelmed, I was exhausted, and apart of me felt super lost. I was sad at myself for not feeling this instant connection. It wasn’t until we got home and made ourselves into a family that I felt a shift.

I actually remember the exact moment: it was one of the first times I had really been alone alone with lily, and I was not sure how I was going to feel in response. I remember staring into her little eyes while she nursed from me, and crying onto her perfect little head thinking “it’s me and you forever”

I never could have imagined the love to follow. The love that grows everyday. It’s astonishing to me how much your heart can feel for one individual. Everyday I spend with lily, my heart grows bigger and bigger.

I thought she was made for me to guide and teach,

But really, she was put into this world to teach me. In 8 months of being a mom, i never could have imagined the transformations that have taken place.

When I think back on my birth, I feel exhilarated. It makes me want to relive that moment again and again because it really was the beginning of two new lives.

To any moms scared of giving birth or carrying a baby, I can promise you this:

no one else was designed to carry your baby except for you. You’re not in this alone (even if you have a partner or spouse) because your baby CHOOSE YOU. they will lead you. You don’t need to be anxious, you don’t need to stress yourself out because regardless of the circumstances of any birthing story; it’s YOURS. Own it. Embrace it. Celebrate it. Not a single person can experience YOUR experience – make it the best one possible for yourself.

If you’ve made it this far, thanks so much for taking the time to read my birth story!

Talk soon friends,

Xoxo Tay

Balancing Babies, Books, & Buddies

 

Hi friends!

Happy Monday! I hope you accomplished whatever it is you set out to accomplish over this past weekend. For me, its been a combination of books, baby, and hanging with some friends!

The thought of combining a social life with motherhood, along with schooling and some me time for sanity,  can be super overwhelming.  Some of my friends like to be busy all the time – always looking for something to do. Other friends of mine prefer to have more self down time, and just relax during their down time. I find myself to be a weird combination of both:

Ill get into the zone on something and not want to stop. Ill put things off at times but then once I get into whatever it is: studying, cleaning, organizing, rearranging, whatever it is – once I begin the task its SO hard for me to stop until its complete. I remember rearranging my room as a little girl (and honestly all the time as a teenager and adult too) and being SO exhausted from going hours on end, but I WOULD NOT be able to stop and go to bed until it was done. Id stay up till 3:30AM on a school night so I could get every little detail perfect before I fell asleep, so I could wake up to a complete finished project crossed off my to do. It made me feel SO good mentally.

Now that motherhood has entered the picture, and I’m back in school finishing my certifications, I’ve had to balance books, babies, and spending time with my friends with (attempting) not to burn myself out. I swear motherhood is one big day with naps – I couldn’t tell you the last time I slept for more than 4 hours consecutively. thats insane hey? #coffee

This blog post is going to be about how I manage my time and mental energy balancing books, babies, and buddies!

 

Practice Practice Practice.

it has taken me along time to realize and practice my self discipline. Managing all that life has for you can be SO time consuming. It takes insane self disciple to get out of bed everyday at 5:00AM (yes, even on weekends, sighhhhhh), put on my cup of coffee, and get myself mentally prepared to take on the day.  Practicing getting up earlier everyday has allowed me to get into a habitual routine – and now, I don’t even set an alarm. My body just knows its time to get up and start the day, and even when I try to sleep in, I usually cant anymore.

 

 Purse Sized Weekly / Daily “TO DO”s

I find keeping a huge calendar with me at all times to be too much. Being a mom means when you go basically anywhere, you’re bringing 47% of everything you own with you. seriously, its ridiculous. Before kids, I could grab my phone wallet keys and peace out the door. Now, getting ready for a coffee run is a marathon and a half. I seriously DO NOT WANT to bring anything with me thats unnecessary (probably don’t have room even if I wanted too!) I have my bigger sized notebook and desk calendar at home chilling, but I find these smaller sized weekly “TO DO” calendar super super convenient! because its so small, I actually find myself using it. Its easy to take with me, and fits super easily in my bag.

I try to plan my time a week in advance. ill go through, and add in anything I have to attend first:  appointments, meet ups with friends, etc. Then I will go through the same week and add in anything due for school or my goals for when I would like to submit anything that week. Next, ill write in the main topics for my classes that id like to focus on that day, so I can break down all my main subject areas into a daily section – that way, I can keep on clear track of what I need to accomplish daily in order to stay on tract throughout the week. This way, I also know if there are certain days I need to accomplish more work if I have something on another day that will take up too much time.

Daily “TO DO” list – Staying on Top

Because I usually have my weekly to do filled in ahead of time, in the morning I will wake up and look over the previous day to see if there is anything I didn’t accomplish that I need to bring over and schedule into today.  I usually do this first thing in the morning, after I’ve put on my coffee and grabbed a snack.  Ill sit down at the table and prioritize what needs to happen first that day, and what could *possibly* be moved over if I’m not able to do everything ( because some days babies won’t let you ). Sometimes I’m able to stay SUPER on top of this list – going ahead of my plan and finishing tasks I don’t have scheduled for another day to two.  THIS IS SUCH A GOOD FEELING. I really try to keep on deadline or ahead, because this way I know if theres a day I’m not feeling it, or Lilys being a suckboob, I know Im not falling behind and don’t feel guilty for taking a day off from the books.

Studying

After graduating high school and attending three years at SFU, there is one real thing I have learned about studying. STUDYING TAKES EFFORT AND IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE. I know students who can study by reading the textbook over once and manage to somehow soak in all the information – this is NOT me, I repeat this is NOT ME. it’s taken me years to learn what studying habits work for me and what wastes my time.

I used to be a huge cashcards gal, writing out every detail on the back of hundreds of cards. yes, its studying, but by the time I finished writing out all my cards I usually ran out of time to actually STUDY and learn them. I would write out the whole course but not actually absorb any of the information.

ways that I personally succeed with my learning: 

  • I write notes in my own wording – instead of copying every complicated word or jargon down into my notebook, ill write out the basic of it: ill use words I understand and ill put the main points down so I get the big picture. once ive done this for a main chapter or section, ill go back and add in all the additional facts and terminology I need to know. I find this a good way to actually learn the information instead of passively reading or writing down a word or phrase that has no significant meaning to you.
  • Do your own research – this sounds boring but its actually SO helpful. If I am studying the topic of baby positioning for example, ill watch youtube videos and search my own images to get a better understanding before moving forward with another topic. This helps me often see the bigger picture and put together some of the pieces of information when I may not understand the relation.
  • Draw Pictures – diagrams and making your notes more unique by drawing useful images help me absorb and remember the information better.
  • Highlight but don’t over highlight –  when I was younger and going over notes with a highlighter – I usually had over half the page scribbled on. As I’ve gotten better at recognizing key information, I have learnt that less is usually more. Sometimes ill look at the chapter highlights or main learning outcomes, and only highlight points relevant to any of those.
  • Review Consistently – Sometimes when a course requires you to know an over abundance of information, it can be super overwhelming and hard to remember it all from start to finish. If you’re starting to study on Module 1 and end at Module 12, you’re probably not going to have the information from Module 1 as fresh in your head. To avoid this, I try and make sure while I’m moving forward with my studies, I check back to the previous modules and connect the relevant information. This also helps avoid last minute cramming (but lets be real sometimes it works LOL)

Consistency is KEY

This sounds obvious, but I really cant stress it enough. Especially after having a child, our life really works better around consistency and routine. Having lily on somewhat of a routine has allowed me some “expected?” time to do my other duties. For example, I know if I keep lily up in the early evening, she’s going to zonk herself out and usually sleep in till about 6-7AM. If I get up at 5, I “?know?” that ill have a little bit of time for myself in the morning before she gets up. This alone time for me is SO important. It gives me a minute to breathe and allows me to get in some super productive work first thing in the day.  There are some days I wake up feeling like a literal zombie, but I also know that once I’ve dragged myself out of bed, get my coffee in me and get going, I will feel so much better and accomplished. Ive found motherhood to be a little spark of motivation when it comes to productivity – because when I have time to do something I really have to take it because that opportunity may not come again for a while!

 

Knowing my Goals and Reasoning. 

I think knowing your reasoning for doing anything is beneficial. Thinking about why or what you’re doing gives you some sort of internal explanation for why your working so hard at whatever it is you’re working on.Working on myself, my career, and my business is so important for not only lily but myself. I was someone before I became a mom, and I have every intention of staying in tune with who she is. Putting energy into something other than motherhood has allowed me to do just that. Not only am I making a sustainable future for my daughter, but Im giving her something even more important: a happy mama.

 

Unplug for Quality Time

Online schooling, social media, Netflix, etc.  So much of our time is spent looking at a screen or connecting socially. I used to think taking a minute to “scroll through IG or FB” was a restful break, it isn’t. Our minds are constantly thinking, analyzing, and producing emotions when we look at social media. We cant control what we see on our feed, and sometimes it may be something that arises unpleasant feelings in us. Taking a few hours a day to unplug is SO nice. If my phone is around me, I usually find myself scrolling on it habitually. When I want to actually “relax” ill go plug my phone in upstairs and spend quality time with my daughter.

 

……. Everyday

not a day goes by that I dont get down only hands and knees and play farm with lily on her playmat. We go for walks every single day, rain or shine. Every night, I read her “The Going to Bed Book” and I tuck her in with her favourite stuffed animals.

Every . Single . Day 

My time and energy is allowed to be focused on other things. Its okay to take a few hours to get done what you need to get done, to better YOU. But what I refuse to do is miss out on any opportunities for memories with my baby.  Everyday I make sure to spend QUALITY time with her, teaching her, watching her grow, loving her and cuddling her.

School is a priority for me, and thats OK

ME time is a priority for me, and thats OK

Taking a night off every once and a while to chill with my friends is a priority for me, and thats OK too.

We as humans only have so much energy to give. If we burn ourselves, the quality of our energy goes down. Taking some of that energy and putting it towards yourself instead of your child is OK, its actually necessary. If you’re giving 100% of yourself to your child, how are you able to fulfill your own happiness?  wouldn’t you rather give your child 80% but have that 80% be QUALITY.  take your 20 mama, recharge and refresh – its SO important.

 

Babies AND Buddies

I will tell you this: find friends who love your child without strings attached.  Having a lot of friends may be nice, but having a few close friends that genuinely love your child is a blessing in itself. When I fell pregnant, I lost a lot of friends, but thats okay because quality over quantity.

My best-friends are going to be aunties to my daughter. Im an only child, and I feel so blessed that this life gave me a select few people whom are family to me. Find friends that WANT your baby around. My friends know when they make plans with me that lily is usually automatically tagging along. They don’t mind, they love her! we plan things we can all do together and we still have so much fun. No, its not the same as when we were 19 hitting the bars, but a new, mature and gracious love of a friendship that makes me realize the importance of true genuine connection.

Talk to Your friends about THEIR life

I know its hard when you’re obsessed with your baby to talk about anything else, but your friends are there for you; you need to make sure they know you’re still going to be there for them. ASK THEM how they are, ask them about their job. I know your life is your baby now, but the world is turning and they’re living too! make sure they know you’re the same friend to them you were before you had your baby.

Plan for Nothing!

I used to avoid wanting to make plans because I was lazy and didn’t want to get all packed up. Now I’ve come to this amazing realization : you can plan to do nothing. My favourite thing to do now is just have my friends come over and chill. We talk, go for a walk, and just hangout! its so much easier for people to come to you once the baby is here: again, SO MUCH STUFF.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Diaper bag essentials

Hi friends! How’s it going?

Lily and I spent basically all day enjoying the sunshine and taking in this sweet start of summertime!

Today’s blog is going to be about my “diaper bag essentials” and what I’ve found the most useful over these past few months of motherhood.

I’m not going to lie – I’ve been through a couple different bags already. I’m super picky, and it’s taken me a while to find the one I love! But yay! I did.

The common theme I’ve had with all my diaper bags is this: they must have a backpack option! It can be SUCH a hassle trying to juggle a car seat, purse, coffee etc. Maybe it’s just the collage gal in me – but backpacks are seriously SO much easier. I had seen the brand “fawn design” on Instagram a few times but never really wanted to put in the money….2 bags later I gave up and ordered one of their mini’s in blush. I seriously fell in love with the quality, design, everything!

I find myself to be a packer – so I ended up ordering the original in black for more room. I seriously have zero complaints about this bag. I use both pretty much everyday. They’re the perfect mama and and baby day out pack size.

It’s a vegan leather and wipes down SO easily – and that’s necessary for me because I’m the messiest person ever. It has sooo many pockets and the design is gorgeous. I can use it as a bag, use it as a diaper bag, I use it literally everyday!

** also, they just released their new spring and summer colours and they are seriously BEAUTIFUL

The first thing I’ll talk about are the obvious items:

Diapers – I usually keep x2 or 3 and we are a huge fan of: rascal and friends, and honest co.

Wipes – I keep a pack of these bad boys everywhere. I probably use them half as much as lily! We get ours from Costco because it’s SUCH a good deal. We get the big box Huggies.

Snack – now that lily has turned into a little piggy, bottles just won’t cut it! I like to bring a sealed bowl of flavoured Gerber puffs. These are her absolute favourite and I have yet to find a flavour she doesn’t like! Off the top of my head, they have banana, strawberry, blueberry vanilla, sweet potato!

She also loves the “mum mum” crackers – but they crumble sooo easily so I tend to give them to her at home. But the odd time I’ll throw one in!

An instant bottle and a pre made bottle – lily eats a lot, so I’m never really worried about her milk going bad before she finishes. When we leave, I’ll make her a bottle of pre made enfamil or nestle good start. Sometimes if it’s really warm out, I’ll put in ice cube in with her bottle so it keeps cool and keeps her hydrated.

Lily’s not picky with formula or bottles even though she was exclusively breastfed the first few months. I got super lucky, because I know some babies who won’t take to much! But I can tell she does have a couple favourites

Bottles – I like to use the evenflo balance bottles, or the tommeetippee.

A change of clothes. I try and make sure I bring lil a onesie or a spare pair of pants and a shirt!

Now that it’s sunny, I want to keep my lil babes head all protected from the sun!

I always have a missmilaco baby turban in bag! They’re one of the only head pieces lily will let me keep on her head and they’re tooooooo cute. They also just released a swim version so she can splash around and stay sun safe!

Live clean baby sunscreen – Lila’s sensitive skin takes super well to the live clean baby sunscreen.

Okay now to the fun stuff hehe

My daughter is officially a little baby shark and has four teeth coming out. To say she’s been spirited the past few weeks would be a big understatement ūüė∂

Sophie the giraffe and this teething octopus are two of our favourite teethers! They’re super soft and squeaky so they keep her entertained and she loves to naw on them

Jellycat babies.

Again, if you’ve been following along with me at all, you already know lilys (my) obsession with these guys. It started when I was pregnant and Lily’s aunty picked her up a pink jellycat bunny. From there on, the obsession started and I now have a solid collection of jellycats going. When I was a little girl, books and stuffed animals were my two favourite things. I played and read for hours, and it was one of my favourite childhood memories. I still have so many of my fav little guys, that I now have passed down to my baby, and that to me is so special. They are a bit more on the pricey side for a stuffed toy – but the quality is amazing, and I love that I can just throw them in the washing machine and they come out good as new!

A couple of Lily’s favs are: her giant bunny, tiny. Her dinosaur named dena, and her pink bunny named mr.pink. OH and bon bon, the lamb.

Another one of our diaper bad essentials is a pacifier. Lily recently started taking to these so well – she always has, but now she will literally keep one in her mouth for an hour on end. I know different moms have their opinion on these – but personally lily loves her paci and I love seeing her content! We picked up the tommeetippee orthopaedics ones (they’re suppppppposed to be better for her teeth psssttt) and she loves them. She also has the evenflo balance paci, and loves that too!

Our @sparkleanddewdesigns Turkish towel! Now that it’s so sunny out, I love bringing this beauty to the park, beach, basically anywhere with us! It’s huge so it fits our whole fam but rolls up nice and tight so it doesn’t take up too much room in the bag.

Booger wipes. They make special booger wipes now for babies – how sweet is that? I have super bad allergies so I use them too! They don’t leave my nose feeling dry and irritated after.

Pocket pack of Kleenex. Always handy. Alwaysss.

Dr.Browns organic lavender hand sanitizer . I’m a huge germ freak, but my hands get sooo dried out using regular sanitizer. The Dr.browns organic lavender leaves my hands soft and with a light tint of lavender.

In a side pocket of my bag, I keep a smaller little carrier case with some essentials in it: a tampon, gravel, Tylenol, lip chap, and a spare set of headphones, change and gum .

Scrunchies. Always. My hair is seriously ALWAYS in a messy bun and scrunchies are perfect for keeping them up without hurting my head!

Two of my absolutely fav places to get scrunchies are @S.products.designs and @beanandbearco

Leo is the cutest ahh

I also keep my keys and wallet thrown in there obviously ūü§™

Keeping it real though, my diaper bag is usually such a mess – stuff thrown in, a black pit for me to search for things I need. But I really couldn’t complain, I feel so blessed and grateful.

What do you mamas keep in your bag? Anything the same? Anything I’m missin?

Let me know!

Xoxo

Tay

I do not like to talk about it … owning up to our own faults

I was born with my fathers temper and my mothers overwhelming desire to avoid and repair conflict without admitting fault. I have never liked arguments, but always seem to fuel the fire once I’m in it. I have hated myself, I have loved myself, but I have never been fully open with myself.

Becoming a mama really changed that for me.

Lily is only seven months old and she already looks at me like I’m the reason for the stars in the sky. For those of you who haven’t felt that look yet – its the most amazing and enlightening experience. its so often discussed, the level of responsibility that comes with parenting a young child, “they watch your every move” – aka you need to adjust the way you present yourself in order appear full in front of your child.

but lily has done more than that for me, TO me.

She has made me slow down, take a step back, and reevaluate the person I am & the person I want to be in front of lily and behind the scenes.

She gave me a greater desire to fall asleep genuinely content with the person I am. I used to look at myself and my flaws and overwhelm myself with disappointment Рespecially during and post conflict when the (less than good) parts of me would shine light.  I used to avoid and move forward Рno acknowledgement of what I had done wrong or what I need to improve.  I hate how stubborn I am, my mind is always such an internal battle between the feeling of pride and what I know will help me grow as a person.

A promise I made myself when l was pregnant, was that as lily grows and we experience life together – I will apologize to her when I make mistakes. ¬†As a parent, were so often put in positions where we are made to feel powerless if we don’t know an answer or make a call others may not agree with – but we need to give ourself more grace. We are allowed to get angry, say the wrong thing or make a poor choice… the impact it makes on your life depends on how you respond. You’re allowed to fail with dignity. You can be wrong and be respected, and you can take help and advice without appearing weak.

we are still learning

we are still growing

I do not like to talk about it… my mistakes, my flaws, ¬†insecurities and vulnerabilities.

But being honest with yourself and the people closest to you is so freeing.  Yes I am a mom, but I am also human and we are all just trying to figure it out one day at a time Рbecause lets be real, life would be so boring if we were born as the best versions of ourselves. We take critique as a push down but a change in perspective can make it a hand in growth and I think that is SO amazing.

Preparing for motherhood can be the most overwhelming feeling – people seem to have an endless stream of questions (most of which are asked with a specific answer expected in response) and it can be so extremely frustrating. ¬†From how you plan to feed your baby, from where you plan to lay your baby down at night.. everyone wants to know. Sometimes you don’t have answers and sometimes you need to figure it out as you go, and thats okay too.

And if you make a choice that doesn’t happen to be the right one for you or your family, thats okay too! we are LEARNING. No one expects you to be perfect, its okay to stop yourself mid way, admit your fault and change things up.

From what I’ve learned about myself: it can be super easy to internally admit what needs work (I feel like for the most part, we subconsciously know when we act or represent ourselves in a way we don’t necessarily like) BUT it can be really really difficult to make changes in our daily lives that address those traits or issues and knowledge how we can ¬†improve that quality or flaw from the bottom up.

For example…

Personally,  I acknowledge the fact that I know I am very sensitive to select words. Ive come to learn that when I am in a confrontation and someone uses certain vocabulary with me, it sets me off.

I absolutely ¬†despise being told to “calm down” or “relax”

it boils my blood and skyrockets my head off my shoulders and through the ceiling. ¬†It gets me angry to the point where I act out and I KNOW I don’t enjoy my response or the way I handle those situations.

Acknowledging that I have certain triggers has helped me immensely in my relationships.  Ive communicated to those closest with me that those specific words make me feel triggered and very upset. They know to watch their words when I am worked up, and I am working on communicating what bothers me before I let it turn into an issue. Its really hard. Self growth is an extremely touch and go subject Рit can mean so many things to a variety of people.

This year, 2019,

is a year of recognition for me:  my goal is to acknowledge the things I want to change about myself without letting them defeat me.

Areas of growth don’t cancel out amazing qualities.

 

Whats something you don’t like acknowledging about yourself? odds are there are SO many people who do and act the exact same way. Lets do better together. Its okay to be where we are at.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Accepting Imperfection and “The Pause” for Sanity¬†

Hi friends, happy day.

Life has been seeming unbelievably busy lately, just me? After having Lily, I feel like time has gone by SO much faster. I know that may sound cliché, because thats one of the first things that many people around you mention when discussing childhood in general Рhow fast time goes. Lilys five and a half months old and honestly, it feels like I brought her home from the hospital last week (personally I feel like thats one of the biggest benefits to having had her so young РI get so much more time, and that alone is worth everything to me).

I sat down after this busy busy weekend and I opened my laptop to write about something else, but in all honesty after taking a minute and reflecting, I felt the need to write about something else entirely, so here it goes:

Accepting Imperfection and “The Pause” for Sanity ~~~

OK so,

I feel like keeping “busy” is a very thin line for me.. I find that I am either bored – feeling unfulfilled, isolated, and slumped OR I am going at mock one trying to accomplish everything and anything at 100 miles per hour.Finding a balance between the two has always been an issue for me. I have always found it so hard to find the amount of “accomplishment” and productivity I need to complete in order to feel satisfied and content at the end of the day.

Some days I let the dishes pill and have no intention of changing out of my pyjamas. Some days I order take out and seriously accomplish what feels to me like nothing.

then, randomly,

I will get these spurts of motivation where I feel like I’m powerful enough to take on the world. I will get this burst of energy and take on a million and one projects with no hesitation and no doubt in my mind that I can conquer and complete them.

Ill wake up and decide: “I want to paint my room, rearrange the house and cook a massive diner tonight” and then ill be on my mission… BAM thats that.

Does anyone else struggle with taking on too much at once? not that we aren’t capable, but usually after finishing the massive to do list I set up for myself, I am burnt out and exhausted. ¬†Lately, I’ve found myself reflecting back thinking, “could I have set a more reasonable and realistic time frame for myself?”

Things I have started to consider a bit more before burning myself out with unrealistically high expectations:

  • Producing quality work takes quality time – if you don’t have the time for a project or task you’re probably not going to be able to have the time to create your best work.
  • Inspiration and meaning is always much more important than doing something just for the sake of doing it – if you have reasoning and meaning behind something, it is a lot easier to do well with whatever it is you’re doing.
  • ¬†Taking real life into account ¬†– as much as I WANT to accomplish a million things on the daily, it isn’t realistic. Especially with a baby, you never really know what the day ahead holds until its happening! You’re not going to wake up feeling sick and still get done all that need be on your to do list, especially ¬†at your best, when you’re feeling like crap say
  • Accomplishing your best work can only really happen when you’re your best self – Okay this is one I find myself constantly needing to work on; self care. I want to be my best so I can accomplish my best and sometimes that means stepping back to take my own me time.
  • …. That being said; Done is sometimes better than perfect – if you’re a perfectionist like me, you don’t wanna be done until a task or project is finished to perfection, but as I get older, I realize perfection is a really vague term, and sometimes I need to just be proud and content with whats in front of me.
  • Family comes first always – ¬†your dishes are still going to be there tomorrow morning, same with the unfolded and half done loads of laundry sitting on your “chair”, but we are never guaranteed precious moments with our loved ones – If that be our parents, sisters, children, or friends – we need to make sure that at the end of the day, the people we love know how much we love them.

How to Get it Done without Overflowing Yourself 

I feel like writing down what I would like to get done for the day makes it a lot easier for me to see and prioritize whats important – I will:

  • Eat breakfast – I write this down because somedays I honestly forget and only drink coffee, a habit I seriously need to break!
  • Complete the small tasks fist (the ones that take 10 minutes or less)
    • any phone calls I need to make
    • emails
    • figuring out any appointments etc
    • making the bed and picking clothes up off the floor.
  • Then ill pick the MOST important thing I need to get done for the day and work towards completing that task
  • After I’ve completed an “important task”for the day, and finished all these smaller to do’s (plus gotten my coffee in me haha) I instantly feel more accomplished.
  • After this, I make sure I spend quality time with my babe and usually we go for a long walk!
  • At some point throughout the day I make sure to have a bath or shower, because feeling clean always makes me feel 10x better and more accomplished in the self care department.
  • Towards the end of the day ill re-evalute my list and see what I think I can realistically get done during the rest of the day and what needs to be rearranged for the next day or later on in the week.
  • I also make sure to cross off everything I accomplished for the day, and make sure to give myself some good graces for what I got done.

 

Anyway friends,

These are some reflections I’ve made about getting things done and coming to terms with feeling accomplished at the end of the day. It can be easy to feel guilty for taking time to do things like have a bath or read a book when you haven’t finished all the “to dos” you wanted to accomplish ¬†– but in reality, ¬†taking care of yourself and prioritizing self care is just as important as all of those other tasks.

Just because not EVERYTHING got done, doesn’t mean nothing got done.

 

thanks for taking the time to listen to my thoughts

xoxo

Tay

 

Handmade with Love (& lots of wood!)

When you have a baby – 101 people have suggestions on just about EVERYTHING. It can be super overwhelming as parents trying to decide what products are best for our littles and what we feel comfortable bringing into our homes. I know for me personally, I never really cared about what went into a product until becoming pregnant. From there on out, I looked into everything from shampoos and cleaning products, to foods and details of our pillow cases.

Now that my little girl is here, it is especially important to me that (for the most part) she is exposed to toys and products that are safe, stimulating, and satisfactory in mamas eyes! There are so many factors to take into consideration when picking toys and teething products out for our babies:

Is it safe?

Is it naturally made? chemical free? ethically sourced?

Is it stimulating for my ever learning little babe? Is it going to help her develop basic  learning skills?

Is it durable?  because lets be real, children aren’t always the easiest on their toys.

PoppyBabyco – “Learn through Play”  checked all of these must haves off with flying colours! They’re extremely safe for our littles – handcrafted and coated with beeswax and linseedoil, because the mama who designed the products know that everything ends up in our littles mouth. Alongside safety (obviously) another one of my favourite features of her products are their durability. Being the sap I am, I love the fact that her pieces are made durable enough to be handed down for future generations. They’re also extremely educational, so play time can be intellectually stimulating as well! When first discovering this amazing little shop, I thought they only had teething toys and rattles for infants, but after discovering more of their site, I soon realized they have a huge range and line of toys designed for age groups up to 8+ (but honestly, even I enjoy their toys!).

Its so satisfying as a mother to have found a brand that surpasses my safety and educational expectations with lying colours – knowing I can let my daughter play without the concern of unsafe chemicals or lack of stimulation.

highly recommend  @poppybabyco

 

five ways to show people you love them

 

Hi Friends, Happy Sunday!!

This weekend I had my first evening out since having Lily, and I have to say it was much much needed.  We were able to score last minute concert tickets (to Snoop Dog) and my dad was able to watch Poot for the evening. It was so nice to get out and spend quality time with my man and interact with other adults, childless.

Don’t get me wrong, I missed my little babe! But at the same time I knew she was safe, comfortable, content, and that us having an evening apart would be super beneficial fo the BOTH of us. ¬†It gave me an evening to think and focus on other things, prioritize other people (including myself), for the first time in a long time. It gave me the opportunity to wake up (tired) but mentally refreshed, revised, and ready to give extra loving to my baby!

Ive been thinking lately what it really means to love someone. I mean, love as a parent is so so instinctual, yes, but it does it takes a conscious effort at times to control the overwhelming feelings that our daily lives can sometimes bring. The other day I was thinking of relationships Рthe ones we have with our children, our parents, our friends, and our significant others.  what it really means to love someone.

” I love you”

its only three words, but whats the difference between speaking them and meaning them?

its funny to me – the power and pointlessness of these three little words.

We can tell people we love them all we want, but what does it mean if our actions don’t fall in line with our words? Why can it be so hard to tell the people we actually love that we love them, yet we can pass it off to someone we’ve never met via social media.

Ive come to realize words are just words without intent. Love is work. When you’re telling someone you love them, your committing to put in the effort, sacrifice, and comprise that love needs. Love can be hard and love can be confusing. Love varies. Not everyone needs to be loved the same. ¬†Although it isn’t always easy, here are five ways I have learned to *try* and show active love to the people around me:

  1. Listen to Listen – Not to Respond … ¬†this ones so important. I feel like a lot of the time when we get into a conversation with someone, we often listen to what they’re saying so we can wait for them to finish talking and we can give our response. I know for me, it can take a long time to get my actually point across when I’m trying to explain my feelings or emotions to someone, and the last thing that will make me feel heard is someone immediately diverting the conversation. When having a conversation with the people we love, I think its super important to make a conscious effort to LISTEN when they’re talking to you. At the end of a long day, it can be super easy to let what they’re saying go in one ear and out the other – but taking the time to really listen to the people around you is so important. One day we could kill to listen to their rant. let them rant.
  2. When You Don’t Understand – Ask … I think its so easy to fool ourselves into thinking we understand how another person feels, when in reality the human mind is SO complex. Our loved ones often come to us in times of need for comfort, support, and reassurance. It can be easy to agree and move on with life, but issues often re-arise. Did we really understand what they were going through? Did we bother to inquire if we didn’t? Did we let a bigger issue slide because it was easier than taking the time to understand? ¬†It isn’t always easy trying to understand someone else thought process, but if we love them – its always going to be worth asking about.
  3. Talk about The Peeves – We all Got Em’ … Ok so this is something I’ve recently drawn attention to. We all have our weird pet peeves. Lets just talk about them? lets just respect them? ¬†So there are weird random little things that piss us off like no other. I hate food being left on my nightstand. I hate my ears being touched. I need to make the bed in the morning or I’m stressed out lol. ¬†I feel like the more upfront we are about our weird little quirks, the stronger the relationships become. How cool is it that we all have our own weird little things, and that we have such amazing people that we can let into our weird little worlds. ¬†Learning these little things about each other builds such a strong bond. Nothing makes me feel more loved than when I come upstairs and my beds been made because my man KNOWS thats important to me! (and who are we to judge what makes someone else feel a certain way, right?!?!)
  4. Respect Drawbacks – Trust Your Bond … Life gets hard. Life gets busy. Life gets stressful and life gets slipped away at times. Sometimes life gets in the way and you finally have plans to see them and they get canceled. DO NOT take it personally. As someone with severe bad luck and extreme inconsistency, I have to say one thing I’ve learned is the people who are meant to stay as a constant in your life will. The people I consider myself closest with in life aren’t necessary the ones I see the most or talk to the most often – but when were together my heart feels full. I don’t feel guilty bailing when Lilys acting up, or when I’m just having a straight up crappy day. ¬†When I was younger, my mindset was always: “the people I’m hanging out with the most with right now are the people I’m closest to” and thats just not the case. ¬†The people we really love are always going to be in your corner – some friends I don’t talk to for weeks on end, and instead of thinking its because of ME and striking doubt in my mind about our bond – I try and love them by RESPECTING their distance and trusting our relationship. It is easy to a good relationship with the people we require to see frequently – but the loving bonds that survive periods of isolation and drawback – those are held together by LOVE.
  5. Ask What They Need – Require what you do ..¬† from personal experience, loving someone isn’t easy. Why do we make it harder than it needs to be? Why do we feel the need to guess? it’s so much easier to ask whats required from our loved ones to feel secure and happy. Do they need to be constantly told you love them? Do they need to be shown through physical touch? Do they need to be reassured through coffee making or morning texts? ask!!! What do YOU need to feel loved? you’re not selfish for requiring the type of love you do. ¬†The right person is not going to make you feel bad for requiring a love that makes you happy – if thats in a partner, a friendship, or any relationship.

 

These are just a few prompts to evaluate how you love the people you love. How do you show love? What do you require to really feel loved?

We need to learn to love with the intent to love.

We need to learn to love ourselves.

 

Xoxo

Tay

 

 

Lilys five month update

Hi friends, Happy Sunday!!

We experienced our first big snowfall this past week and let me tell you, life with lily in general is so so fun, so getting to experience all of her firsts puts the beat in my heart. She’s such a character.. some of her facial expressions baffle me, like are you five months old or fifteen with that attitude?

as I’ve mentioned before, I think this platform is an amazing way for me not only to connect with other like minded individuals but record milestones for Lily and I to look back on as well!

So, since this is the last Sunday before Lily turns 5 months (3 days away) I figured I would do a little five month update!

Lily at five months old…

Lil has really found her personality this past month. She’s beginning to understand what she likes and doesn’t like. She is absolutely hilarious. ¬†She is the sass queen, and we call her our little Dino Poot because she’s constantly screaming at us … and not in the “I’m sad, angry, upset hold me” way, but in the “AHHHH I HAVE LUNGS AND WANT TO TELL A STORY ! ! !” way.

In this past month she has begun to not only share her infectious smile more often, but frequently gives us the giggles! and let me tell you, ¬†Lily laughing is a sound so perfect I couldn’t have made it up if I tried.

Lily first rolled over at about 3.5 months on her tummy time mat, but since then has shown minimal interest in rolling anywhere.. she just … doesn’t want to.

Now when Lilys in her play saucer or jolly jumper, she’s MOVIN. ¬†She doesn’t really jump as much as she tries to walk!!! she seriously tries to move in a walking motion and its the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. She can support all of her own body weight for decent periods of time, and can stay in her play saucer for 20+ minutes without getting frustrated.

When we put lily down for tummy time, she’s started doing the motion of crawling – ¬†we can tell she wants to but she’s a big girl! (17 lbs)

When we sit her up, she can stay sitting on her own for small periods of time before falling over, and she is starting to discover her feet and legs – and loves loves loves to kick it out (especially when she’s laying in her crib)

She’s expanded her vocabulary a bit this month!! she says:

“Hi” – very frequently (multiple times a day)

“mum” – pretty often! (id say at least once or twice a day)

“mommy” – she’s said it a couple times!

“Hi mom” – she said this the other day in the kitchen and I nearly died!!

She loves watching cartoons – she likes Dora, PawPatrol, and she loves loves loves hockey.

She’s a fan of toys that light up, move and make noise.

She’s a hand sucker (not thumb, whole hand)

She loves having her photo taken and can never take her eyes off the camera, she knows when I’m trying to take her picture I swear.

She has begun sleeping a bit better throughout the night – only waking up a couple times opposed to every 2-3 hours. She only has 1 or 2 naps a day.

She loves going outside and taking long walks in her stroller and her baby carrier – rain or shine.

She’s a total flirt! she always smiles when she sees a guy… (great, let me just go buy a bat)

 

We all feel so so so blessed to have this baby girl in our lives, and although this has been the fastest five months of my life, they’re the most precious times and I couldn’t imagine my life without this babe.

Anyway, if you have any other questions about little Lily, feel free to let me know!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Loving Lately: Some of our favourite small shops!

Hi friends!

So I thought I would start doing a short series of blog posts called Loving Lately” – basically, where I connect you guys with amazing brands, products, or just items in general that we have found ourselves loving lately!

When it comes to certain products, I find myself being super particular what pieces I invest my money into. Ive spent money on items from larger known corporations that are seemingly popular and found myself extremely disappointed. Ive also bought items from local and smaller shops that I cant recommend more and have zero regrets spending my money on.

We have been fortunate enough to work with a few amazing small shops that I’ve come to love, and I want to share them with you!

SO, that being said! Here are a few shops & items we’ve been loving lately, and I hope you love them just as much as we do!! (ps. theres no specific order to this list)

but here are some of Our Favourite Small Shops: 

1. S.products.designs.style – ¬†Okay, if you’re like me and your hair is super sensitive to pony keepers, you need to try these scrunchies out. Seriously, I haven’t been able to take mine off since they came in, and they’re SO easy to match with outfits because they have so many cute prints!! I have a few different pieces from the shop, and they’re the perfect accessory ¬†for a lazy mama like me to have on hand – they’re easy, cute, and keep my ticklish hair up and out of my face! I call that a win.

2. AuntieTals.– so our first purchase from their adorable little shop was their bamboo collection “grow with me hoodie” ¬†( we ordered the 9m-3t oatmeal, just for reference) and we were hooked from there on out! ¬†upon receiving the order, I immediately reached out to the shop owner and asked how we could work together again moving forward! She’s currently in the works of creating an adult line and I couldn’t be happier!! like hello, never mind matching with our littles, but having this brand come up with adult clothing in general is beyond exciting – you can tell how much attention and detail goes behind these pieces and their insanely cozy.

3. WexfordCandleCo. – I have had the lovely pleasure of building such a good relationship with this wonderful business owner!! if you love candles and things that smell amazing (wax melts, included – yum) ¬†then checking out this candle company is a must. Her prices are so reasonable and you get the CUTEST jars for your little candles. The coolest part about her company is the different occasion candles you can order! you can get gender reveal candles, relator home candles, everyday candles, and even “will you be my bridesmaid ?” candles .. how sweet is that?

4. Emmys_Earrings – ¬†if your ears are pierced, I HIGHLY recommend that you check out this super cute earring shop out, and if you don’t – I STILL recommend you check out her store, because she has CLIP on’s too!! This beautiful Canadian mama started up her small business back in June, and she’s worked SO hard to create such beautiful pieces for all of us. Shortly after having spoke with her – she had created, beautifully packaged, and sent off my parcel. It arrived and I was blown away the quality and detail of her earrings! They’re the most unique patterns and designs that I have ever owned in terms of jewelry! The idea behind her collection is that they’re made specifically with plastic pots for sensitive ears, which is perfect for me because I always seem to get a rash with my other earrings! These cute little pieces don’t irritate me at all!! ¬†Her website is launching soon, ¬†so make sure to keep an eye out for that!

5. Sewinlove_Designs. – ¬†If you’re looking for a personalized special gift, look no longer – this mama’s custom embroideries are seriously spectacular! With the ability to choose from a variety of items and designs, you’re then able to then customized a stuffed buddy, a chubby blanket, and even onesies! We got a Dino stuffy made with Lil’s birthday information, ¬†her full name and even time of birth! SO SO SO SPECIAL. ¬†The quality is amazing and whats super cool is that you can actually remove the stuffing from the animals for easier cleaning! how handy will that be when lily started being an even messier monster.

6. Missmilaco – ever since lily was only a few days old, she has absolutely hated having to wear hats (or anything on her head for that matter). Until we discovered the beauty of baby turbans. Within the same day of receiving our order from Missmilaco, I had reached out to this beautiful mama and asked about placing our next order – she uses the softest fabric that actually manages to stay on my little wiggle worms head, never mind enhances the cuteness x 1000.

7. Poppybabyco – ¬†If your babe is anything like Lily: four months will roll around and your “happy go lucky” baby may at times turn into an angry on the bite dinosaur. We tried to many teething toys to try and help poor lil and nothing helped. We stumbled upon Poppybabyco, and they were nice enough to create a handmade wooden teething toy for baby Poot! (for those of you who are new here, I call Lily Poot). We told them out obsession with elephants, and they were actually able to make her a handcrafted elephant teether using all naturally safe environmentally friendly materials! I love the simplicity of their designs! As Lily gets older, we will definitely be purchasing some of their handcrafted toys as well!

 

Anyway lovelies, these are a few of our favourite shops that we’ve been loving lately!! make sure to check them out and let me know if you end up falling in love with any of these smalls shops like we have!

xoxo

Tay.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reasons a Mama needs “me time”

Hi friends, thanks for coming by and “Happy Sunday!”

Do me a favour, and take a moment while you’re reading this little shpeeel of mine to take a few deep breaths. For just a brief moment, shut your eyes, take a deep breath in and out. I know sometimes I need to be reminded to do that throughout the day.

Its crazy to me how something as simple as taking a second to focus on yourself (even if its just recognizing something as underlaid as your breathing habits) can change your whole attitude.

Taking a step back is sometimes the BEST way to move forward.

The past couple weeks have been a little bit on the rockier side – Lily has been teething like crazy and to top it off I feel like this household has been fighting the “seasonal flu” for one to many seasons now if you ask me! She’s going through one of those phases where she changes her mind on what she wants faster than I can fulfill her needs. ¬†She’s been waking herself up in the middle of the night grumpy and inconsolable. I know there are different views on the cry it out method – but for me personally, as much as ill let her do her “grumpy talk” on her own in the crib for a bit to self sooth, I cant stand hearing my little babe screaming from discomfort and pain – as I know, this is the only way she knows how to communicate with me.

I think about the past two weeks, the loss of sleep, the more than average “daily” ¬†dose of comforting the ones closest to me – ¬†the decline in my personal self care.

I have seen mothers who pour everything, into their children.  Mothers who have died, for their children. Mothers who have suffered, for their children.

I see mothers who give the last of the food off of their plate, for their children.

the clothes off their back, for their children.

I see mothers who give their time, grace, and patience with situations that others would find infuriating, because of the unconditional LOVE for their children.

I see mothers travel unimaginable distances and fight unimaginable fights for their children.

I see mothers who are sick for months on end (and if you happen to be like me – in the unlucky few % that has HG during your pregnancy – you’re sick the whole time) just to create, nourish, and sustain their children.

I see mothers who give the last dime out of their pocket to give their child the best of the best.

I see mothers whose children are screaming in a Walmart parking lot

I see mothers whom are pulled over on the side of the road, in the backseat of their car, nursing their children.

I see the mothers whose choices aren’t agreed upon, I see the criticism bouncing off your back on the daily.

I see the mothers who jump up the second their child makes a peep, and I see mothers who are okay letting their child cry it out a bit.

and you know what, Mama?

ALL of these mothers are doing exactly what they should do – being the person they need to be for THEIR baby.

 

Raising a little human is a F U L L    T I M E.   J O B.

And you cant give your best work if you don’t take a break to refuel.

You do NOT

*I Repeat YOU DO NOT have to feel guilty about taking the time to re charge and take care of  yourself.

When you become a mom, its so easy to let that become the biggest most important part of your life. The moment lily was born was by far the most life changing thing that has ever happened to me. ¬†Every moment since then has revolved around her – I literally mean that, she’s my entire world. I cant even begin to express or explain the amount of hell and high water I would go through for her (well besides the fact that I pushed her massive bean and shoulders out of my vagina ?? ouch?)

As I’ve mentioned before (but ill say it again): the first few weeks of motherhood are blurry.¬†Beautiful but blurry.

When lily was about a month and a half old, I was feeling pretty down and low. Not at all any less in love with my little human, but not nearly as in love with myself. ¬†I wasn’t as happy, as cheerful, I just wasn’t the person I wanted to be. I couldn’t tell you what exactly switched around my thought process really, other than a simple quote I saw somewhere on the internet that said¬†“children don’t listen to us, they imitate us”

This really stuck with me.

Yes lily is only four and a half months old. But this has been the fastest four months of my life. Before I even realize it, I know she is going to be walking, talking, and ahhh I don’t even want to think about when we switch her from a crib to a big girl bed. ¬†It dawned on me shortly after reading that, that in order for lily to become the most beautiful, happy, bright version of herself, I need to show her where she came from, who her mother is, who I am.

I was someone before I became her mother – and yes, lily is %110 the best part of me now: but I have so many other passions. So many other qualities and so many other dreams, goals, and ambitions! and in order for me to work towards those dreams, goals, and ambitions, I need ME time.

I need time to express myself; a creative outlet – thats what this has kind of become for me, so if you take a second to read my words: thank you thank you thank you.

I need time to go for walk and get fresh air.

I need time to shower or have a long hot bath.

Ive come to realize those things RE fuel me. They make my mind, body and soul feel better.

If I want Lily to grow up confident, ambitious, and passionate enough to chase her dreams, I have to show her that becoming a mother hasn’t caused me to give up on mine – if anything, it has made me motivated as hell to become the absolute BEST version of myself. For the first time in my life, it doesn’t matter to me if the outcome isn’t what I hoped for, it doesn’t matter to me if I fail. What matters to me now is that my daughter grows up watching her momma work her ass off for what she believes in, speaking her mind despite if no ones around to listen, and is constantly working to better herself even if that means taking an L or two.

How do you recharge yourself?

Once you’ve answered that question, you take the time, and you CHARGE, Mama!

Ill say it again for the people in the back: Having passions and focuses outside of motherhood DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD MOM.

Taking “ME” time, may be the best thing you can do for your babies.

How do you expect to pour from an empty cup?

We can plant a flower,¬†but if the roots aren’t well embedded in the soil,

the plant isn’t going to have a chance to thrive ¬†– the plant cant put all its energy towards growing the flower,¬†it needs to save some for the roots, it needs to replenish. We as mothers (who’s worlds revolve around our babies) need to make a conscious effort to direct some of our energy towards ourselves, too.

When we are burnt out from putting every single ounce of energy we have into everything and everyone, we are simply not the best version of ourselves. We pour and pour and pour, and yes that grass is green but the flower isn’t going to grow as tall and as bright as it could!

It needs the roots to hold it down when its windy. It needs the roots for nutrients, support, and completion.

After all, without the root there wouldn’t be no flower.

Without you,  everything would be different.

So take a minute, Mama, because you really do deserve it – and if anyone says differently, why you ask them to babysit for an evening?

how hard can it be, its JUST motherhood ūüėČ

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Anyway,

Talk soon Loves,

Tay