I do not like to talk about it … owning up to our own faults

I was born with my fathers temper and my mothers overwhelming desire to avoid and repair conflict without admitting fault. I have never liked arguments, but always seem to fuel the fire once I’m in it. I have hated myself, I have loved myself, but I have never been fully open with myself.

Becoming a mama really changed that for me.

Lily is only seven months old and she already looks at me like I’m the reason for the stars in the sky. For those of you who haven’t felt that look yet – its the most amazing and enlightening experience. its so often discussed, the level of responsibility that comes with parenting a young child, “they watch your every move” – aka you need to adjust the way you present yourself in order appear full in front of your child.

but lily has done more than that for me, TO me.

She has made me slow down, take a step back, and reevaluate the person I am & the person I want to be in front of lily and behind the scenes.

She gave me a greater desire to fall asleep genuinely content with the person I am. I used to look at myself and my flaws and overwhelm myself with disappointment – especially during and post conflict when the (less than good) parts of me would shine light.  I used to avoid and move forward – no acknowledgement of what I had done wrong or what I need to improve.  I hate how stubborn I am, my mind is always such an internal battle between the feeling of pride and what I know will help me grow as a person.

A promise I made myself when l was pregnant, was that as lily grows and we experience life together – I will apologize to her when I make mistakes.  As a parent, were so often put in positions where we are made to feel powerless if we don’t know an answer or make a call others may not agree with – but we need to give ourself more grace. We are allowed to get angry, say the wrong thing or make a poor choice… the impact it makes on your life depends on how you respond. You’re allowed to fail with dignity. You can be wrong and be respected, and you can take help and advice without appearing weak.

we are still learning

we are still growing

I do not like to talk about it… my mistakes, my flaws,  insecurities and vulnerabilities.

But being honest with yourself and the people closest to you is so freeing.  Yes I am a mom, but I am also human and we are all just trying to figure it out one day at a time – because lets be real, life would be so boring if we were born as the best versions of ourselves. We take critique as a push down but a change in perspective can make it a hand in growth and I think that is SO amazing.

Preparing for motherhood can be the most overwhelming feeling – people seem to have an endless stream of questions (most of which are asked with a specific answer expected in response) and it can be so extremely frustrating.  From how you plan to feed your baby, from where you plan to lay your baby down at night.. everyone wants to know. Sometimes you don’t have answers and sometimes you need to figure it out as you go, and thats okay too.

And if you make a choice that doesn’t happen to be the right one for you or your family, thats okay too! we are LEARNING. No one expects you to be perfect, its okay to stop yourself mid way, admit your fault and change things up.

From what I’ve learned about myself: it can be super easy to internally admit what needs work (I feel like for the most part, we subconsciously know when we act or represent ourselves in a way we don’t necessarily like) BUT it can be really really difficult to make changes in our daily lives that address those traits or issues and knowledge how we can  improve that quality or flaw from the bottom up.

For example…

Personally,  I acknowledge the fact that I know I am very sensitive to select words. Ive come to learn that when I am in a confrontation and someone uses certain vocabulary with me, it sets me off.

I absolutely  despise being told to “calm down” or “relax”

it boils my blood and skyrockets my head off my shoulders and through the ceiling.  It gets me angry to the point where I act out and I KNOW I don’t enjoy my response or the way I handle those situations.

Acknowledging that I have certain triggers has helped me immensely in my relationships.  Ive communicated to those closest with me that those specific words make me feel triggered and very upset. They know to watch their words when I am worked up, and I am working on communicating what bothers me before I let it turn into an issue. Its really hard. Self growth is an extremely touch and go subject – it can mean so many things to a variety of people.

This year, 2019,

is a year of recognition for me:  my goal is to acknowledge the things I want to change about myself without letting them defeat me.

Areas of growth don’t cancel out amazing qualities.

 

Whats something you don’t like acknowledging about yourself? odds are there are SO many people who do and act the exact same way. Lets do better together. Its okay to be where we are at.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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